Ok, so, in Book Three of my Blood Magik saga (I call it a saga instead of a series because it’s all one story, but who knows… It’s its own universe, after all, so may turn out to be a series yet) I pay homage to some of my favorite writers (who are almost all from the UK) by creating a Cockney zombie character I call the Gent. He’s this eerie sort of heckler out of place and time who shows up to test the Coach’s mettle when he’s nearly lost it. A gangly ol’ “sod”, the Gent just may be what tears a tight-knit gaggle of apocalyptic do-gooders apart. Here’s a little taste:
wasn’t long before their resolve was tested.
particularly awkward gangrel with a top hat and a chewed-at human finger-bone
between his teeth moseyed toward them, eyeing their raised weapons with retinas
ablaze and gore-stained hands held high. The Coach usually wouldn’t have
bothered entertaining the notion of any other option other than war, but the
peculiar dress-wear and stroll of the dead-man put his priorities on a tilt,
slightly sloping toward curiosity. His reason, of course, eventually tipped the
scales and his trigger-finger tensed, but before the hammer went clink, the stranger spoke.
“Oi oi… A wee bit lairy, are we? I’m not
here to mess you about, guv. Only curious.”
wasn’t the painfully thick accent that gave the Coach pause… It was the
creature’s denotive curiosity. It seemed…unique
in its ways. That and his style resembling an early nineteenth century
Englishman was slightly bewitching.
off, dick-snot. We’re not here to shoot
the shit with homeless dead-heads,
alright?” Regardless of his own curiosity, he still didn’t feel the urge to be
“Heh. Always did fancy the mouth on you septics.
Randy as a rat-arsed dollymop, the lot’a ya!”
more step and I turn yer brains back to dirt, shit-bag.” He couldn’t discern
much detail through the mists other than the twin-tailed black tux and red
eyes. His pant legs hung inches above his ankles; long arms extending well past
his jacket’s sleeves. The Coach couldn’t decide if the dead-thing was actually from the eighteen-hundreds or
just peculiarly fashioned: some sort of uber, new-age hipster who thought dressing
like Abe Lincoln was the bee’s-fucking-knees. “Keep those filthy paws where I
can seem ’em, son. Only reason you ain’t a stain already is ’cause yer no
threat to me. I’d rather not raise a stink right now if I don’t have to, but
I’d rather raise one than allow you
any sorta notion you got a shot at The Champ.”
you then, mate? Fancy yorself king of
the bleedin’ pilloks?” He waved his arms around to aggrandize, then lowered
them with several tsks escaping his
dead tongue. “How, then, fairs His Majesty with naught but a single subject to
fuck you talkin’ about?”
flock, guv. Flown away off ta the bog,
’ave they? Abandoned their mates for a unified ‘wringing of the socks’?”
shifted against the tree they perched under at the mention of their backup.
What the hell was this lunatic getting at?
’ave you a scheme a bit more potty to
dazzle me wif? Say…a trap, perchance?”
carousing winds parted the mists enough for the Coach to catch a glimpse of his
inquisitor. His thin face did justice to his slight frame, with ears like
satellites angled to refract covert, international intel. Blood as thick as
paste painted a Joker-like smile that enhanced his already deranged aura from
nutcase to super villain. And he stood crooked – always – shoulders angled so
his left arm seemed inches longer than his right. That long arm lifted to pry
the finger-bone from his teeth just before the mist again coalesced until he
was just a shade in a garnet soup.
One thing I’ve realized is how much more potent an accent is in writing when it’s written like it sounds, but this can also be a bitch to read for those who aren’t used to reading it. So how’d it go for you? Tough to get through? Thanks for the feedback, zompeeps. \m/ -z/cm
More cover art done for that comic series I can’t track down (for less than $30 an issue because of the international shipping… ) Beautifully gruesome shit, tho. Really want to own…
…for my Christmas horror/comedy, A Christmas Carcassing… So let’s see a show of hands. How many people have trouble reading this:
Sullen and morose,
unnerved by what wretched reality had made them its own, the two hapless screw-overs
gawked in a daze at what would push most into a spiraling, cataclysmic meltdown
wrought with projectile juices from any number of effusing orifices.
snowman of frosty repugnance – six human arms atop six legs, like two spiders
humping – sat waiting for the two teens to turn up in Marvin’s backyard… And
Marvin, numb from the icy morbidity that’d become his life, couldn’t help but
think the snowy death shrine awaiting them was somehow fashioned playfully;
scampish in its revulsiveness…
Ehh? Smooth reading or wordy and confusing? Add your two-cents in the comments. Thanks. \m/ -z
Go to a massage parlor, and when they give you a minute to disrobe, get the blood flowing and stick this on the tip of your pole. XD